Ready for some whirlwind numbers?
Those are my yoyos. Those are the weights I have bounced between since I was 17. First gain was from dating a guy who drank soda and ate ice cream every day and I joined him. First time I learned I REALLY couldn’t just eat whatever I wanted.
Then I lost the weight, until I started drinking in college.
Then I did Body For Life, lost the weight, got another boyfriend who ate like crap and I went along with it (didn’t I learn anything?), went through a break up with him, and gained all my weight back and then some.
Did WW to get the weight off, then got pregnant. Then got pregnant again. And so here I am. Trying to get the weight off again.
I feel like the “should we care” question has two parts. Should I care about trying to lose weight again, and, should anyone else care or show support, or should they just roll their eyes and be like, “Oh here we go again…”?
It’s a tough question. I know some women who just simply don’t diet. Or if they do, they certainly don’t talk about it. They don’t fill up pinterest or tumblr with motivational posts, and they don’t seem to be spending their valuable time worrying about how they look, weight wise. Instead they spend their time reading, cleaning, writing, daydreaming, working in the garden, planning vacations, etc. I wonder sometimes how much intellectual power I am ‘wasting’ on thinking about diet and exercise. I love spending the time on it because it creates a challenge for me, it creates something that I can accomplish, and I love setting and meeting goals for myself. But the time I devote to it takes away from other things. Like cleaning my house. Writing letters to my brother. Playing with the kids. Spending time with my husband. Reading the news. Learning to play an instrument. SO much time is spent on planning meals and exercising and FOR WHAT?
My reasons are mine and mine alone. There are days when I think, “Why bother?” Why keep going? Why not just be happy with what you’ve done so far and let loose a bit?
1) Because it’s not enough. What I’ve done so far is wonderful and so great for my health. But I am still at a minimum, 21 pounds overweight. And that’s the MINIMUM. I’ve been overweight for so long, and was so huge when I was pregnant, that my poor body deserves a frakking break. My joints and my back deserve a chance to not be so overwhelmed with excess weight. My skin deserves a chance to not be stretched to its limits. My organs deserve the chance to not have to work so hard all the time.
2) My children, present and future, deserve better. A couple of thoughts here- one of the biggest reasons I am trying to lose a lot of weight is because I want more kids in the future, and I do not want to be giant when I deliver, and more importantly, have blood sugar issues like I did before. My babies deserve the healthiest mama they can get. My current kids deserve a mom who isn’t tired, who WANTS to be active, who gives them good food and gets them outside to play. And let’s be honest, life is hard enough without having the “fat mom”. Kids are assholes. I don’t want to make it worse.
3) My husband deserves better. He deserves a total hottie for a wife. Who doesn’t want their husband to have that? What mom doesn’t hope her son marries a pretty lady? Guys like beautiful women. This is no shock, and what better way to show your husband that you love him and you care about what he wants and he needs, than to look your best?
4) My soul deserves better. My poor head. It’s been tormented my entire adult life with disdain towards its bodily host and I just want to know what it’s like to like your body. Is everything really better? If I liked my body would I then have time for all my other passions? Would I be a happier, holier, better person? I don’t know. Because obviously there are overweight people out there who are completely happy. So why not me? What I know is that this supersedes everything. Certain things are just bigger than everything else and it doesn’t matter what else is going well, if this one thing isn’t, nothing else matters. We all have those things. Sometimes it’s the city you live in, or the job you have, or being in a relationship or not in one. Certain things are make or break. And this is one of those for me.
5) I want to prove I can do it then SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT. OMG. Sometimes I make myself sick just hearing the words come out of my mouth. SHUT UP ALREADY. One of my biggest goals with losing weight this time around was to not be a total blabbermouth about it. Just keep it quiet until a big milestone. Which brings me to my second point…
Should anyone else care? Should anyone else even bother saying “Good job!” every time I say I’ve lost 10 more pounds? I was pretty quiet about losing weight on Facebook, I didn’t say anything until I lost 50 pounds, but on Twitter my friends knew what was going on. Even then I tried to keep my posts to 5 pound increments at a max, and even then it was simply “55 pounds down, yay!”.
Why do I feel the need to even share tho? Why am I even writing this blog right now? Why not just keep this entry private as a diary entry? Because I want some external praise and validation for my internal struggles. I want to know I’m not alone. I want people to feel proud of me. I want people to believe right along with me that I will lose all the weight I want to and I will keep off as much of it as I want. I want to be held accountable. I want to be part of the huge weight loss community that exists on the internet. I want to be the after picture. I want to STAY an after picture. I want this to be just another thing in my life that I accomplished. I didn’t graduate college at 20 by being a lazy slacker. I’m a princess and if I want something I GET IT. I want to be thin. Except for my boobs, I want big ones, but that’ll take surgery 🙂 I just want something else to obsess over! I want to get this done, and move on to newer things. Like planning a baby, doing a home makeover, paying off debt, getting more tattoos, moving to another state, getting organized, etc. I don’t feel like I can do any of those things well until I meet my weight loss and fitness goals.
So, on that note, let’s do this!!!