My weight tends to fluctuate as such: two weeks of losing, two weeks of staying the same or gaining. I’ve learned to notice this so I don’t freak out, but this month I can’t help it. I’m in the gaining stage of the month and I know I should just relax, and if by the time I get to the normal losing stage and I’m not losing, that’s when I should fret. But it’s still hard to think you are doing everything right and the scale is not rewarding you accordingly.
Whenever I have problems losing I always freak and start looking at new diet plans. The current one I’m exploring is the Paleo diet, which is pretty similar to what I’m doing now. The only difference would be less dairy, more fruit. Not a bad trade off for all the amazing fruit that will be in season over the next couple months. But I’ve been playing with carb intake a bit lately (another reason I might be staying the same) and I’m finding that I am REALLY carb sensitive. I have cravings and I’m hungry if my blood sugar gets wacky. I haven’t been hungry since starting my no sugar/gluten/starch plan and I’m not enjoying feeling hungry.
Sigh… Anyway. My main priority is to make sure my carbs get back down low and I start tracking what I’m eating. Not to count calories but to count carbs to make sure I’m not going crazy over my daily need. Today I’ve had coffee and half n half, measured out, for one gram of carbs. Bacon is in the oven, and there will be salad for lunch, nom nom nom.

Finally, Happy Father’s Day to all the daddy-os out there. Thanks for putting up with us moms ūüôā


Day of rest

The new workout plan I got myself into doesn’t have a day of rest in it.¬† Huh.¬† “Rest” days are days where you do cardio only.¬† 30 minutes of high intensity interval training.¬† Not very restful…¬† yesterday I did legs and abs and hoolllyyy sh!t.¬† I had to use the handicap bathroom stall at work just so I could have something to hold onto, lest I put my full weight on the toilet seat.¬† Every single movement hurts.¬† Good hurt.¬† But it’s a restricting kind of hurt.¬† Today my workout plan said I should do back, biceps, and cardio.¬† Truthfully I could have done the weights but there’s no way I could have accomplished the cardio.¬† Not on my poor legs.

I’ve always liked the analogy of weight training being an earthquake that rattles your muscles, aka a building.¬† If you workout again before the “building” is repaired, it’s like another earthquake and just does more damage.¬† But is it true?¬† Should you wait until your muscles are no longer sore before lifting again?¬†

My back and biceps have recovered from last week.¬† But my body is working so hard right now to recover from yesterday.¬† I couldn’t face tomorrow with a sore upper body on top of it.

So what do you think?¬† Are my reasons just excuses for not wanting to workout since I work 9 hours on Sundays?¬† Are recovery days important?¬† What should a recovery day look like?¬† How often should you work the same muscle group?¬† How long until new “Mad Men”?¬† Oh wait, that last one might be for another post… ūüôā

Peace be with you always!  Happy Sunday!

YoYo Dieting (and, should we even care?)

Ready for some whirlwind numbers?











Those are my yoyos. ¬†Those are the weights I have bounced between since I was 17. ¬†First gain was from dating a guy who drank soda and ate ice cream every day and I joined him. ¬†First time I learned I REALLY couldn’t just eat whatever I wanted. ¬†

Then I lost the weight, until I started drinking in college.

Then I did Body For Life, lost the weight, got another boyfriend who ate like crap and I went along with it (didn’t I learn anything?), went through a break up with him, and gained all my weight back and then some.

Did WW to get the weight off, then got pregnant.  Then got pregnant again.  And so here I am.  Trying to get the weight off again.

I feel like the “should we care” question has two parts. ¬†Should I care about trying to lose weight again, and, should anyone else care or show support, or should they just roll their eyes and be like, “Oh here we go again…”?

It’s a tough question. ¬†I know some women who just simply don’t diet. ¬†Or if they do, they certainly don’t talk about it. They don’t fill up pinterest or tumblr with motivational posts, and they don’t seem to be spending their valuable time worrying about how they look, weight wise. ¬†Instead they spend their time reading, cleaning, writing, daydreaming, working in the garden, planning vacations, etc. ¬†I wonder sometimes how much¬†intellectual power I am ‘wasting’ on thinking about diet and exercise. ¬†I love spending the time on it because it creates a challenge for me, it creates something that I can¬†accomplish,¬†and I love setting and meeting goals for myself.¬† But the time I devote to it takes away from other things. ¬†Like cleaning my house. ¬†Writing letters to my brother. ¬†Playing with the kids. ¬†Spending time with my husband. ¬†Reading the news. ¬†Learning to play an instrument. ¬†SO much time is spent on planning meals and exercising and FOR WHAT?

My reasons are mine and mine alone. ¬†There are days when I think, “Why bother?” ¬†Why keep going? ¬†Why not just be happy with what you’ve done so far and let loose a bit? ¬†

1) Because it’s not enough. ¬†What I’ve done so far is wonderful and so great for my health. ¬†But I am still at a minimum, 21 pounds overweight. ¬†And that’s the MINIMUM. ¬†I’ve been overweight for so long, and was so huge when I was pregnant, that my poor body deserves a frakking break. ¬†My joints and my back deserve a chance to not be so overwhelmed with excess weight. ¬†My skin deserves a chance to not be stretched to its limits. ¬†My organs deserve the chance to not have to work so hard all the time. ¬† ¬†

2) My children, present and future, deserve better. ¬†A couple of thoughts here- one of the biggest reasons I am trying to lose a lot of weight is because I want more kids in the future, and I do not want to be giant when I deliver, and more importantly, have blood sugar issues like I did before. ¬†My babies deserve the healthiest mama they can get. ¬†My current kids deserve a mom who isn’t tired, who WANTS to be active, who gives them good food and gets them outside to play. ¬†And let’s be honest, life is hard enough without having the “fat mom”. ¬†Kids are assholes. ¬†I don’t want to make it worse. ¬†

3) My husband deserves better. ¬†He deserves a total hottie for a wife. ¬†Who doesn’t want their husband to have that? ¬†What mom doesn’t hope her son marries a pretty lady? ¬†Guys like beautiful women. ¬†This is no shock, and what better way to show your husband that you love him and you care about what he wants and he needs, than to look your best?

4) My soul deserves better. ¬†My poor head. ¬†It’s been tormented my entire adult life with disdain towards its bodily host and I just want to know what it’s like to like your body. ¬†Is everything really better? ¬†If I liked my body would I then have time for all my other passions? ¬†Would I be a happier, holier, better person? ¬†I don’t know. ¬†Because obviously there are overweight people out there who are completely happy. ¬†So why not me? ¬†What I know is that this¬†supersedes¬†everything. ¬†Certain things are just bigger than everything else and it doesn’t matter what else is going well, if this one thing isn’t, nothing else matters. ¬†We all have those things. ¬†Sometimes it’s the city you live in, or the job you have, or being in a relationship or not in one. ¬†Certain things are make or break. ¬†And this is one of those for me.

5) I want to prove I can do it then SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT. ¬†OMG. ¬†Sometimes I make myself sick just hearing the words come out of my mouth. ¬†SHUT UP ALREADY. ¬†One of my biggest goals with losing weight this time around was to not be a total blabbermouth about it. ¬†Just keep it quiet until a big milestone. ¬†Which brings me to my second point…

Should anyone else care? ¬†Should anyone else even bother saying “Good job!” every time I say I’ve lost 10 more pounds? ¬†I was pretty quiet about losing weight on Facebook, I didn’t say anything until I lost 50 pounds, but on Twitter my friends knew what was going on. ¬†Even then I tried to keep my posts to 5 pound increments at a max, and even then it was simply “55 pounds down, yay!”.

Why do I feel the need to even share tho? ¬†Why am I even writing this blog right now? ¬†Why not just keep this entry private as a diary entry? ¬†Because I want some external praise and validation for my internal struggles. ¬†I want to know I’m not alone. ¬†I want people to feel proud of me. ¬†I want people to believe right along with me that I will lose all the weight I want to and I will keep off as much of it as I want. ¬†I want to be held accountable. ¬†I want to be part of the huge weight loss community that exists on the internet. ¬†I want to be the after picture. ¬†I want to STAY an after picture. ¬†I want this to be just another thing in my life that I accomplished. ¬†I didn’t graduate college at 20 by being a lazy slacker. ¬†I’m a princess and if I want something I GET IT. ¬†I want to be thin. ¬†Except for my boobs, I want big ones, but that’ll take surgery ūüôā ¬†I just want something else to obsess over! ¬†I want to get this done, and move on to newer things. ¬†Like planning a baby, doing a home makeover, paying off debt, getting more tattoos, moving to another state, getting organized, etc. ¬†I don’t feel like I can do any of those things well until I meet my weight loss and fitness goals.

So, on that note, let’s do this!!! ¬†

Losing Weight

A couple months ago I got an iPhone as a reward for losing 50 pounds. A lot of people were shocked because either they hadn’t seen me in awhile and were surprised, or they HAD seen me recently and wondered, “Uh where did the 50 come from?”

I shall explain. When I delivered Jack I weighed in at about 258. When I had Isabella I was about 250. Something about those babies made me gain weight rapidly. With Isa I gained about 2 pounds a week. With Jack, starting out about 30 pounds heavier than with Isa, I gained very little at first but towards the end was on the 2 pound a week trend. I now have my theories as to why, but I’ll get in to that later.

So where were we. Ah yes, 258 pounds. A few days later walking around the hospital I found a scale and stepped on. 255. WAIT WHAT?!?! 255??! Are you fking kidding me?!?! I knew I was swollen from all the fluids they had pumped into me, but I had just had a 9 pound baby. And you lose a lot more than just baby pounds when you give birth, so how the hell did I only weigh 3 pounds less? At that moment I felt like my life was over. My baby was in the NICU, he had blood sugar issues, he had gotten stuck during delivery, and every dr and nurse was asking me about gestational diabetes. WHAT diabetes? I had the 4 hour GD test and I passed. They said I didn’t have it at all! But something was obviously very wrong with not only me but my babies. Why did I gain weight so fast when I was pregnant? I had been chalking it up to the fact that it was the first time in my life that I wasn’t on a diet. But maybe there was something more going on. I begged my Dr’s and midwives both pregnancies to tell me what to do. How many calories a day should I be eating? No one would give me answer. Just avoid fried foods was the usual response. I wasn’t eating KFC everyday! I would eat bean burritos or soft tacos but I knew those were ok in calories because I had been eating them before getting pregnant and while I was doing weight watchers. Could it have been the 10 calorie otter pops I ate? WHAT WAS GOING ON???

With Isabella I eventually just said screw it. I was tired of not getting to eat like the sitcom stereotypical pregnant woman. So I ate pop tarts like a crazy person for the last week or so of my pregnancy. Haven’t really had any since. If I had eaten those like that the whole time I was pregnant I would have expected 2 pounds a week gain. But I didn’t. My husband kept pushing me to relax and just eat whatever I wanted. But the stress of gaining 2 pounds a week was too much to take and I couldn’t just relax and eat whatev. ¬†I do remember having desperate cravings for fruit. COLD fruit. ¬†I wanted fruit so bad I would almost kill for it. ¬†I wanted carbs almost exclusively through both pregnancies. ¬†With Jack I did want some more meat and cheese, but overall I want bread and pasta and fruit. ¬†But wait, those things are healthy right? ¬†How could I gain all that weight while eating whole grains and fruit?

Because I was starving to death. ¬†Because the food I ate turned into glucose and went straight to my fat cells for storage. ¬†Then my body didn’t have any to use for energy, and it started sending out the OMFG I’M STARVING signals again. ¬†It didn’t matter if I had fruit and toast for breakfast, I was going to be starving in two hours. And they say, if you are starving your baby is starving. Well I must have had quite the voracious fetus in there because this was ridiculous. So I would eat more fruit or toast and the cycle would start again.

Somehow thru the grace of God, my babies and I survived these pregnancies. And for all of Jack’s struggles, he is now a happy healthy 15 month old. But where did that leave me? 255 pounds that’s where. But as the swelling subsided, my weight started to go down. Jack was born March 2, and by the end of the month I was down to 227.7. But that’s when then weight loss stopped. I was no longer swollen and my weight had actually gone up a few pounds. So that’s where this current journey started.

I remember the thoughts I had back then. Mostly I felt bad for my husband. I figured he must sit there and wonder where he went wrong in life to end up with a wife who weighed 227 pounds. He doesn’t like me skinny by any means, but this was ridiculous. I knew what weight I liked being at so I set out to lose 100 pounds. Really just so I could say I lost 100 pounds. But deep down I really didn’t think it would happen. 127.7? I weighed that in 6th grade. The lowest I’ve ever weighed post puberty is 140. And right now I still don’t know if it’s going to happen. 100 pounds seemed like so much to lose that I didn’t want to think about how long it would take or how hard it would be. So I just concentrated on small goals.

My first goal was to get to where I was after I had Isa. 217. Then I wanted to lose 10% of my weight. That was 22.7 pounds. By the fall I was down around 200 pounds. I had done this by following WW online. I was also nursing so I didn’t want to lose weight too quickly. I relaxed during the holidays, gained 5 pounds, and geared up for a quick detox using the “Eat to live” program (more on that in a separate post). In two weeks I was down to 190. Holy cow! 15 pounds in two weeks. Awesome. I started going to Weight Watchers meetings and lost about 7 more pounds. But then all of a sudden it started to get really hard to lose weight. Not that it was hard for my body, it just got hard to follow the program. I had lost a total of over 45 pounds, about 20 of which I had lost in the first couple months of the year, but by the time Jack’s birthday rolled around I was sick of counting calories. I was sick of being hungry all the time. I was tired of feeling restricted. I had worked so hard for a year and for what? I was 180/185 pounds, which was 10 pounds over my “fat weight”. Before having kids I would get up to 175 and say ok time to diet! I knew how hard it had been to diet my way down to 140 in high school and it was so hard to face that journey again.

The other “problem” I had doing WW this time around was that I was trying to eat real food. I didn’t want to eat low calorie bread with splenda jam. Aspartame yogurt and processed cheese. The book that really rocked my world was “Real Food”. It is a lovely book full of defense of traditional foods. At that same time my husband kept bringing up trying a gluten free diet. So I kept reading everything I could get my hands on. What finally completely shifted my thinking was “Why We Get Fat” by Gary Taubes. Everything finally finally finally made sense. I’ll get into it more in another post but finally it made sense why I was always hungry. Why I gained so much while pregnant. Why I was burnt out from calorie restriction. I cut out the sugar, the gluten and most of the carbs and I haven’t looked back.

I’ve now lost a total of 62 pounds and I weigh around 165. I’m still concentrating on mini goals, such as weighing less than my DH and getting to my before baby weight. I still look down at my body and I’m not happy with what I see, but sometimes I do see a glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m about a size 12 now but I have a lot more fat and a lot less muscle than I did 5 years ago, so a size 12 looks different than it did then. I’ve started working out and I hope that will help change the shape of my body and help get back some of that lost muscle. I’ve also started to think about that 100 pound goal I set for myself a year ago. Maybe I can get there. I’m 62% of the way there, so why not? What’s another 38 pounds?

Peace be with you!

Strawberry Ice Cream

A few months ago I decided to cut out sugar. And flour. And gluten. And basically all carbs, really. It has worked like a charm for helping me lose weight; it’s like my body is just resetting itself without much thought from me. I mean, I have to think about what I choose to eat or not eat, but there’s no counting, no measuring, and no tracking, and it’s wildly empowering. I’ve done WW in the past and still love the program, but sometimes a girl has just gotta live life for a bit. I choose to live it with bacon. Covered in mayo. Wrapped in lettuce… Mmmm…

Ok! Anyway! This post is about strawberries. They tend to be one of the lowest carb fruits out there, and they are in season, so I picked up some pints at the farmers market. My mission was to make ice cream without sugar, but still use the cream and the eggs to get a good texture.

The results? Meeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh. A lot of work. And the ice cream turned rock hard. Apparently sugar works as an antifreeze and helps give ice cream its texture. However, vodka can do the same. Next time I’ll put a shot of strawberry vodka in the ice cream base and hope that helps it stay scoopable.

But for your voyueristic pleasure, here are some pics of my ice cream journey:

Here are the roasting strawberries. They are good as long as you don’t burn them.


I pureed some strawberries and cooked them hoping to bring out their sugars more. Meh.

This is the lovely ice cream base that you have* to cook over low heat. Gorgeous. *old ice cream recipes don’t require you to cook the eggs, I was going to feed this to babies so I cooked the base. Your choice.


More smashing of berries trying to get out the juice and tastiness. Again, more work.


This is what it looks like when you put it into the fridge. Not very pink. As it cooled it did turn a delightful pink color!

All said and done, the kids loved it. Which is all I could ask for. I just kept thinking, ‘You know what would make this GREAT?? Sugar.”


I highly recommend you save yourself the time and just whip up some cream and fold in some berries. Just as tasty and super easy!

All in all it was fun to experiment and I do plan on trying it again but definitely with the vodka! I also want to make strawberry flavored vodka from fresh strawberries. I read you can use cheap vodka to do that, so a half gallon of HRD here I come!!

Peace be with you!

Kitchen Rules

I’m not the tidiest person in the world. This is a trait that I am not proud of, I don’t like, and I am working to overcome.

That being said, when it comes to my kitchen I am VERY picky about HOW it needs to cleaned/used.

1) Sponges are disgusting. They get slimy. They breed bacteria. GROSS. There’s a new sponge that supposedly can be sanitized in the dishwasher, but I dunno… I use washclothes that can be bleached for my kitchen cleaning. What do you use? If you use sponges, why? What am I missing about them??

2) Counters are for setting stuff on. Not for cutting on, not for putting food on. This works fine until I try to roll out Xmas cookies. I just don’t know what cleaner to use on my counters that wouldn’t then pose a threat to my food. Suggestions?

3) NO. KNIVES. IN. THE. SINK. EVER. I don’t need to stick my hand in a pile of dirty dishes and get stabbed. Plus they are at a risk of getting chipped and dinged and my knives already have little going for them, they don’t need any help sucking.

4) Knives get handwashed. Except for my cheapo steak knives that I don’t care about, all knives are handwashed. So are weak wine glasses.¬† But beyond that, I throw it all in the dishwasher.¬† I like my dishes to be sanitized!

5)¬†Towels that are used to dry hands are only to be touched by clean hands and that’s it.¬† If they get used to clean up a spill or wipe a counter, they are dirty and should be put in the dirty clothes piles.

Am I nuts?¬† Is everyone this picky about their kitchen?¬† I’ve lived with 3 different adults AS an adult, and I have had differnt kitchen rules than all of them.¬† And it makes me crazy.¬† Whoops.

A quickie

Here’s a quick tip. ¬†This was another “why didn’t anyone tell me that” moment.

Don’t walk away while your stand mixer is beating whipped cream. ¬†You’ll come back to butter, and it’s about impossible to fix.

You’re welcome.